Googly Eyes and a Tomboy

By on 11/22/2013
Cross Eyed

The truth is, I really enjoy my sarcastic snarky snarkiness… and I fear all things vulnerable. Scary thoughts and feelings? Eew. Icky. Get away! But I recently did something pretty rash for me, and I know it stems from a lifelong insecurity. One that I think I’m ready to talk about. I can share within the safe confines of the internet, right? people never tease here, right?

I was born with extreme strabismus in both eyes. Don’t know what that is? Lazy eyes. I had googly, wobbly, lazy eyes. I’ve had 4 eye surgeries to correct them as much as possible. Beyond the cosmetic issue, it also threatened my eye sight, with the risk of possible blindness in one eye if left uncorrected. So, when I was still under one year old, I had my first eye surgery. Then again at 2. Then again at 10. Then again at 12.

Did I mention that I also had bad reactions to the anesthesia every time? Luckily, I only really remember the surgery at 12. I have minor memories of the surgery at age 10, but nothing with any emotion attached. Age 12 though. Wow. That I remember. There really is no way to describe the horror of waking up out of a drug induced slumber with aching, bleeding eyes that are covered in gauze and taped shut. I couldn’t see who was in my room. I couldn’t see what was on either side of my bed, or where the closest bucket was. Why a bucket? Because as soon as I woke up I knew I had to vomit. I was essentially blind and had no choice but to yell for help and then proceed to vomit all over myself and the bed. I still don’t know who was in the room. I remember nurses stripping me down and bathing me and changing the sheets and my gown. All while I couldn’t see anything and didn’t know who else was there watching. I felt so lost and so very, very sick. I vomited non-stop for days. Side effect to the anesthesia they said. Luckily I was able to open my eyes and actually aim my vomit after a day or so.

While that is a terrible memory, it is also one I am extremely thankful for. The alternative was no corrective eye surgeries and still having extremely misaligned eyes, no depth perception (of which I honestly have very little now), and possible blindness. I don’t have any photos of me as a newborn with such eyes handy, but here are some of me as a toddler. Terrible quality, as always, sorry.

Lazy Eyed Toddler

Lazy Eyed Baby

Before correction, both of my googly eyes pointed in different directions. One eye rolled up, and one turned in. After all 4 surgeries, they still do, but far less dramatically. Still, I’ve gone through life analyzing every photo of me to see how noticeable it is. I’ve had friends, coworkers and even strangers all approach me, some kindly, some bluntly and say something along the lines of, “dude, what’s up with your eyes?” I’ve never been able to look people in the eyes because then I know they’d have to look back into mine. I learned to look down. To watch peoples mouths when they talk instead of their eyes. I’ve also learned, to an extent, how to be aware of my eyes and know when they are drifting. It’s almost a party trick. See?

Cross Eyed

As I touched on earlier, this affects me beyond my insecurity. I have terrible peripheral vision and am always bumping into things, walking into door frames, or missing the counter completely when going to place an object down. This is why I still have an iPhone 4. I can’t be trusted with expensive breakables.

Broken iPhone (1)

Broken iPhone (2)

But here is the kind of cool part. I’m 30 now, and for some reason, I recently just stopped caring. I just decided that I’m not flawed or less of a human being or someone that should kindly look away as to not freak you out over my wandering eyes. The confidence feels great. My eyes just don’t bother me anymore. I really can’t contribute it to some “ah-ha!” moment in therapy or after watching some Lifetime Family Movie. It just… happened.

But with it came a secondary insecurity, or inadequacy. I think that’s a better word. Eye make up. I uhh… errr… don’t ever touch the stuff (as you can see from the photos above). I’ve never before wanted to draw attention to my eyes. I hated them and wanted them to be as unnoticeable as possible. You guys, they shaved my eye lashes before each surgery. SHAVED THEM OFF. And they grew back… weird. Shorter, stubbier, and not even with each other. If ever there was a way to add insult to injury, this was it. I wanted to draw exactly zero attention to my eyes. Until now.

Also though, I’m a tomboy who hardly wears any makeup anyway. So I’m just lost. I don’t know where to begin. Yes, I realize the very obvious point here is that I should accept me for me and not need or want make up at all. And I do that, most days. Good lord, if I put lip gloss on my son looks at me without recognition. I am a woman of very little pomp and flaunt. Shorts, shirt, flip flops and a pony tail.

The thing is, I kind of want to learn how to do The Makeup now. I’m 30. The crows feet and smile lines are creeping in and while I surely do not give a rat’s ass most days, I do want to know how to glam up for parties, holidays, work events, etc.

While I am fully inept and needing help in all areas of makeup, I’ve decided to start with my eyes, because that’s the part of myself that I am finally OK with and want to flaunt.

And that’s where I think I may have gone overboard and maybe jumped way into the deep end without first learning how to swim. Did I buy expensive make up products? No. Did I get Botox? Heck no! I bought an over the counter, “all natural safe and side effect free really you can trust us,” eyelash growth serum.

***Waits for you to stop laughing***

Not that I NEED to, but I would like to explain myself. My reasoning kind of went like this, “hmmm… makeup. OK… shadows and eyeliner and mascara and oh god! So many colors and shades and brands and powders and liquids and hybrids and I’m supposed to match my eye color and type of evening and seasons and….. ahhh, screw this.”

Then I remembered my sister-in-law and her 3,000 ft long eye lashes that her brother, my husband, also has. They can get away with looking like they have eyeliner and mascara on when in fact they are wearing neither (I am sure when hubby reads this he will demand I clarify that he has NEVER let me apply such things to him. Even though I want to. My God. It would defy physics). Anyway, dear sister in law told me a co-worker of hers, inspired by equal jealousy, tried this eyelash serum and it actually worked.

So while I scoffed at all of the make up choices I didn’t want to make, I impulsively bought eyelash growth serum, no questions asked.

I don’t know. I don’t understand me either. I am just sort of hoping to cheat my way out of this. If I can grow long, thicker eyelashes (something I’ve always wanted anyway), maybe I won’t have to bother with mascara or eyeliner? Right? RIGHT?

So while this is probably a stupid impulse, this stuff was kind of pricey and I do need to start somewhere, so what the heck. They say it takes 2-4 weeks to see results and they promise no side effects. It’s over the counter and not as scary as Latisse. “Up to” 82% growth… I see what you did there, Kiwifox.

KiwiFox Lash Serum

*Please note: judgmental photo-bombing cat comes separately.

Anyway, here goes nothing..

I’ll report back as soon as I realize whether or not this is actually working.

Oh, duh. I guess this time I will remember to use a before photo. Here are my lashes as of today:

Before Foxy Lash 11-22-13

Let’s see where we stand in 2-4 weeks, shall we?

In the mean time, I am totally open to make up tips for wonky brown eyes.

 

About Anna

Hi there! This is my little blog project where I am trying to learn more about health, wellness and living a balanced life, while also sharing a bit of my silly side as well. By "silly" I mean sarcastic. And by "a bit" I mean way too much. Sorry about that.♥ - Anna

4 Comments

  1. Joanna

    11/23/2013 at 8:56 pm

    Did somebody say make up?!?! Let me know when you’re ready to transition from lash growth to make up. hehe I’m sure Lisa would have plenty of advice, I think she has every MAC eye shadow color. lol

    • Anna

      11/23/2013 at 10:43 pm

      Seriously!!! Advice! MAC is good? Like, it makes that much more of a difference than just buying stuff at Publix or Target? Where do I start? Remember I’m too lazy to even straighten my Cowlicky bangs 😉 you used to tell at me all the time for that!

  2. Anna

    11/23/2013 at 2:53 pm

    You know what, for you I’ll cut a deal. You can have the cat for free, but you have to take all of her bulimic vomit, too.

  3. Dayna

    11/23/2013 at 1:25 pm

    I remember your way-cool Dracula eyes! Also, I would like to order my KiwiFox lash grower stuff with the judgmental cat included. Is there a discount for purchasing both?

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